0606

Sleeping is giving in no matter what the time is.

Let me just start by saying thank you to my faithful 20( I'm guessing ) readers,
without you I would feel stupid when I say 'hello'
or say stuff like 'you know that feeling' or many of my other conversationalist sentences.
This one time my views went up to 600+ when dingxuan left my link on her page.
Yes, that is the sad difference between my best friend and I.

Fortunately for me, I do not care for these kinds of things.
I just need at least one person to read my blog because I think I'm pretty funny and want to make him/her laugh Also because I think I can write pretty well sometimes.
I have my days.
Although they come as little and as lame as probably something like...the eclipse.

Well, you see I was just wondering what this life is about and all and I realized that it has no meaning. I don't mean it in the emotional I'minapostbreakupphase/Ijustlostmyjob kind of way.
It really just has no meaning, I'm not saying it's not fun and all.
Don't get me wrong, I love it.
Maybe it's cause I have no idea what it's about hence it's meaningless.
Something can't really have meaning if you don't know what it is me thinks. 

Digressing, what is this constant competition with each other for?
I say this as I contradict myself because I for one love competition.
But I have no idea what this drive is for and where it comes from.
and what point am I trying to prove and even if I have proven my point.
I don't actually gain anything out of it.
Also, what is this with being popular? I don't understand it.
I remember wanting to be popular when I was a kid.
Maybe because of the show popular I can remember the typography and everything.
When I was 13, I wanted to be popular so badly I joined a sports extra curricular activity.
But when I became popular ( maybe in my head but I'm pretty sure I had a lot of friends ),
there really is nothing to it.
Kind of like working and climbing your way to the top, what is the point of it?
It's like going to marina barrage, you climb all the way to the top to see nothing.
In the end, it's really nothing except money.
But what if I just want to remain lost forever.
what if I just want to remain in constant awe of the world and surviving on minimum wage
and just be 'regular', cycle to work, paint at a home, read.
If I can be all that then I think I want out of this competition.
But like I said I'm a true testament of bad faith and contradiction.
Maybe the reason why I like whoring my life here is because I feel like most of you are doing it all wrong.
But I'm probably wrong. What do I know!
I like live in a country the size of the mole on my upperlip on the map and I don't go out much anymore.

xx

0537

Hello, I've waited here for you. Everlong. 

1158

Things I've been doing in chronological order...

A photo shoot I did for an old friend Lynn

Model: Hannah Lee

A continuation of my photography project..

Models: AWESOMEEEE AARON!

Ben shu & Siewhwee

Claudia's look book

Model: Linda Hao

This is my ex-classmate Ben Teaw's work, will upload the whole series when he is done and I think it's Amazing and seeing my friends who are so humble do so well makes me so happy!

Okay back to work, a couple more days to the unveiling and I spent the entire day sleeping. Sometimes I wonder where my head's at.

Alright, 2 more minutes of sin and it's crunch time bitchez!!

x

1211

So I'm like in the process of compiling all my research, references and writings from about maybe 3-5 years ago till date and I came across in the abyss of my computer. I wrote this a year ago. I don't know what drove to write this but I kind of like it. Minus the introduction & excessive use of vulgarities.

Dated February 1st 2010.



Oh come on, lighten up already.
Let bygones be bygones & fucking let go.
People make mistakes & they grow up, eventually.
Some people just take longer or greater extents to realize what they've done.
You just have to be patient & that's what friends are for.
And it is simple! Happiness is a state of mind.
Stop making fucking excuses for yourself and wallowing in self-pity.
It is addictive, I know. But so is happiness.
If there's something wrong with you, fix it.
Everyone knows why they are the way they are.
No one's just daring enough to admit it.
I mean honestly, I feel that most people I know like to dwell in the so-called-pain.
Because they're just afraid of the great unknown.
It's called great unknown for a reason you know?
Cause it's probably great?
And if it wasn’t so mysterious it wouldn’t be that great.
If you don't know what happiness is, settle for contentment.
Isn't life supposed to be the pursuit of happiness?
So go! Go pursue it, don't stifle your own growth into becoming whole.
I'm pretty sure all these things that happen to you made you who you are today.
It's true when they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
So just do whatever the fuck you want.
Everything you do is right to you anyway, that's why you did it in the first place, no?
I say fuck the consequences, experience things, learn from your mistakes.
If you become a better person, people tend to forgive you anyway.
And people who're meant to stay in your life, will stay in your life
They'll stick around even when you push them away.
So don't question love cause you'll know when it's there.
If love is gone, let go.
By the way, the meaning of the phrase let go is so fucking diverse.
So just do what letting go means to you.

0435

Temporary Insanity.

























Sometimes I think about a lot of the great people out there in the world and the amazing things they've done.

I think about how I feel like I can relate to them and we share a lot of the same views on the world so much so that we would probably have fun over coffee.

Then I feel so guilty and anxious at the same time. 

I feel like I'm not ready but there is never a right time for anything, not really at least.

I know haven't done anything concrete yet with all my plans.

I have so much I need to do to improve on myself. 

I want to be great and I will be great. 

Somedays I let my fear get the better of me. 

Maybe that's why I'm so fixated with nakedness.

Because of how it shows bravery with it's vulnerability and the beauty of the process of trust and the freedom it exudes. 

I'm obsess maybe because I don't have the guts to be brave.

If you ask when, I don't know how all of this started.

My brain is kind of a mess but I love it.

I love everything that's a mess because what is a mess, really?

People who are perfectionist are practically a mess inside.

Well, most of the time at least. 

Why would someone create a word like that when it describes practically everything!

I love everyone and their differences ( well unless they are offensive but I always give them a second chance.)

I believe judging is a natural human instinct and it can't be helped but it's the after thought that matters.

The second chance you give even with your doubts. 

The benefit of the doubt! 

I've always been really drawn to people who are popularly known as "mental" and I'm not sure why and it seems like they are pretty drawn to me. 

Maybe it's true that people to have aura colours and people who are in a healing process and babies can see it ( according to my friend Clarice ) 

Mine is apparently blue. 

I think I was probably 8 or 9 when I had my first conscious encounter.

I used to go to this playground at my house and talk to this lady who introduced herself as "peace".

I would frequently talk to peace the crazy lady of my neighborhood because I always felt like just because everyone is scared of something that means I'm going to be scared of it too. 

So I always talk to crazy people just to prove a point that they are not scary I guess?

What bugs me is that as I grow older because of mass media,

I've developed this awareness of fear and shame. 

I wish I stayed as oblivious or daring some might say forever.

X

0644

Somedays I forget what day it is, somedays I forget what year it is.
You can tell your mind anything, your mind can tell you anything.
Most days your head and heart will be seperate entities, most days now my mind is weak.
Somedays love will do what the mind can't cure, somedays love won't do when the heart won't cure.


I forgot how much of an emotional person I am.
I forgot the person I used to be three years ago so much so I tell myself It's cause I haven't changed
But I know I have because logically everyone changes.
I'm getting too comfortable with the past that I feel like I haven't moved pass that.
What's scary is how unsure I am of that.
As of this moment when I think of that period, I'm not sure how I got here.
It's like time travelling on a bullet train when you become addicted to change.

0543

I feel all dark and twisty inside.